


Cathexis

by yuki_w



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Gen, Love Conquers All, original self
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 15:50:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3255563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuki_w/pseuds/yuki_w
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Cathexis does occur in genuine love, but love transcends it."  - M. Scott Peck<br/>set after season 4 finale. Mara, as I imagined her before season 5 began. Nathan&Duke friendship without Duke. Naudrey nuggets. the end of the Troubles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cathexis

 

-You're going to be fine, Nathan ordered.

Duke couldn't see. He could barely hear Nathan's voice over the white noise in his head. His vision had gone rapidly as he tried frantically to resuscitate Jennifer and was almost completely gone by the time Nathan had dragged him out of the cave. The last thing he saw was the sky, a clear, uniformly blue sky through the windows of Nathan's truck.

The white noise grew. Duke feared that soon he would be alone, with the noise and a strange, pulsating pain so keen that it almost completed the circle to pleasure. _So this is it_ , Duke thought... _I'm not ready._

-Nathan.

Duke swallowed and tasted blood.

-Nathan, are you still here?

Duke heard nothing but felt a warm, light pressure on his chest. It didn't take away the noise or the pain, but it was something he could still feel. A pleasure-pain entirely separate from that of Troubled blood - he felt he might be ready now. Duke smiled, or thought he did.

 

~~

 

I woke in a dark room surrounded by bars.

-Audrey?

A man sat on a chair before me. Lean build, sandy hair. He looked somewhat familiar.

-Audrey, do you know where you are?

Audrey. He was referring to me.

-A prison. I suppose we've been made captive. – I searched his eyes for a hint of his allegiance. Why do you call me that? My name is Mara.

The man looked devastated. He dropped his eyes to the floor and took a long, visible breath.

-You. I suddenly recognized him. –You were with me when they sent William away. There were others... yet they are not here. Only we are detained. Why are you here? Petty theft? Do you owe a debit? I paused. –Have you killed someone? – The man would not lift his head to meet my gaze. Ashamed. I felt sympathy for this fellow victim of the law.

–It's alright. I have power, beyond your imagining. Whatever this is, we will both escape soon enough.

-No need. The man stood up. He walked to the cell door, opened it, and stood at the limen, waiting.

I gaped at him. This man was not a fellow captive. He was my captor.

 

~~

 

We stood outside, the man and I, facing an angular blue metal container. _Bronco_ , the word came to me unbidden. It meant nothing to me.

The man removed a part of its siding. Get in.

-I have a better idea. I raised my hand and summoned what reserves I could. The man did not cry out or fall in pain. He gave only a tight little smile.

-Are you in need of this? The man flashed an image of my box, in impossibly fine detail, displayed on a piece of glass.

-How...?

-Don't worry; it's in a safe place. And you might even get it back. He glared at me, chin jutting out. Get in.

What else did he know of me? How had he come to know of my treasure? How did he resist my power? For the first time in a long time, I felt fear. I entered the blue thing and sat as he directed. He entered after me.

-Oh. And uh, you can call me Nathan.

-Where are we going?

Nathan turned a key and the thing screeched, coughed, and came alive in a steady hum. Then, the thing began to move! It jerked us down a hard gray road and moved faster and faster. Trees dashed towards us then spun away. We bounced and swayed side to side. The scenery around us continued to peel away, faster than observable. I found it difficult to look at anything.

Finally, I could not bear it. Stop! Stop stop stop! I hit the thing as hard as I could, on every reachable surface, and it obeyed, just in time for me to exit and empty the contents of my stomach on the side of the road.

-Oh God, I'm sorry. Are you okay? Nathan handed me a clear flask of water. I rinsed my mouth, then took a few small sips. My stomach began to settle.

-What is that vile thing? I asked, looking at the horrible blue container from which I'd just escaped.

-My truck? It's a – uh, a vehicle. A lot of people have these... now... We use it to – he gestured uselessly with his arms – to travel.

-Is it necessary? Wherever it is we're going, I can walk.

-Well, you can but it'll take a long time. The rest of the day, probably. Hey, it's okay, you'll get used to it. It won't hurt you. Unless we get into – ah – It – it's safe. I use it every day.

With his coaxing, I re-entered the vehicle, my stomach settled but my mind ill at ease. Nathan, and the people of his time, demonstrably have magic stronger than mine. I considered this new, unacceptable knowledge as we sped forward.

 

~~

 

Dwight was waiting for us at the hospital.

-What took you so long?

-Sorry, I - Look, I had to go 30 miles an hour, max. She – is not used to our world. How's Dave? I asked.

-Made it out of surgery an hour ago. Clean extraction. Looks like he's going to be okay.

I nodded. Some good news at last. The events of the past few hours had made it difficult for me to keep it together, and ironically, the only thing that kept me functioning was the unbidden repetition of things Duke had said to me, during meditation - _Just focus on the moment, Nathan._ – and his extra-legal schemes _-Timing is key. You're not going to get what you want if you show your hand too early or too late._ Advice likely pulled from Duke's ass and fed to me to serve whatever purpose he had at the time. Still, those two bits of aural memory echoed in my mind, as strong as hallucinations, as I carried Mara-in-Audrey's-body into the police station, as I waited for her to wake up, as I discreetly watched her out of the corner of my eye in the truck -

This is not Audrey. Audrey is not here. The woman I was with – soft-spoken, seemingly vulnerable at times – was a sadistic murderer. The woman I was with had killed her own twin sister. After Vince had shown me the literature – folklore – he had on Mara, I knew she would have no sympathy for any pleas of desperation from me. As much as I wanted to take her familiar face in my hands and speak to her and kiss her until Audrey returned, it would have no use. I could see it now. My most natural inclinations were useless to the people I cared about. I may have already lost the two people most dear to me.

Do whatever it takes to serve your purpose.

Mara and I sat in the waiting room. I struggled not to touch her.

 

~~

 

I had to find William. When Alastair's men trapped me in the Barn, the last thing I heard William say to me was a promise that he would free me and that we would be together again. Now, I am out in the world, yet he is not with me. We'd only switched places.

-Who are we here to see? I asked Nathan.

-I need you to heal someone.

-What makes you think –

-I need you to heal someone... of a Trouble. I know who you are, Mara. He grimaced. You're the original. His words were filled with spite, this man who was a stranger to me.

-Nathan. I turned awkwardly in my seat to face him. I am not the monster you think I am. I paused, trying to think of the right words. The people in this town... deserve the Troubles. Haven deserves punishment.

-You really believe that? Or are the Troubles just your idea of fun?

-They are all cowards. Murderers.

He shook his head. Lady, whoever deserved punishment in your time is long gone. These people here now, they've got nothing to do with you. Except being victims to your curses.

-Some debts take generations to repay.

It was my magic that led the townspeople to target Isobel. No one ever suspected me. I was the quiet sister. Always the obedient one. Isobel's character put her in stark contrast to me. She had a loud laugh and, while married, talked to men in a way that many deemed improper. I can't understand it myself, but for whatever reason, William never seemed to mind, even found it amusing at times. And it was just as well, because Isobel never cared for the opinions of others. She loved life, and she wanted it all, society be damned.

In the end, my magic wasn't yet strong enough to save her when the Reverend came for her. She burned. They were all there. No one helped her. Not a single brave soul in this town, myself included.

When William and I stood by Isobel's grave, a shoddy, illicit thing we created ourselves, with the remains we gathered after the crowd had finally dispersed, I vowed to mete out whatever punishment it would take to balance the scales. My magic grew tenfold that day, mere hours after her death, and I knew that there was no God.

A generation passed as my creations began to take effect. When his time came, I kept William alive against his wishes. He forgave me eventually. We grew close, into lovers, each of us a proxy for what was lost.

-Detective Wuornos.

Nathan and I both looked up to see a man dressed entirely in blue.

 

~~

 

The small hospital room was filled with sunlight. Nathan and Mara stopped at the threshold, each hesitant for different reasons. Nathan took a bracing breath and entered, bringing Mara along with a gentle shove.

Duke appeared only asleep. There was no visible injury that showed its mark – no intubation, no surgical gauze. To the doctors, the only thing that separated Duke from the healthy was the inexplicable surge and wane of his blood pressure, at levels no human being should survive.

-Fix him, Nathan said without preamble.

Mara looked back and forth between Nathan and the stranger in the bed. What ails him?

Nathan scoffed. You don't recognize your own work?

Mara stepped closer to the bed. My work... She considered the man in it: a mass of dark hair; long, elegant fingers; a strong aquiline nose, thin lips that appeared virtually bloodless. Tanned skin –

_Tanned skin, a sunny day, faint scent of salt in the air. "The Troubles are back, aren't they?"_

Mara shook her head and returned to the room.

-Of what line is he?

-Crocker

-No, the Crocker family curse would not do something like this. Unless – is he in withdrawal?

-Withdrawal – no – I don't – Nathan sputtered – wait, what?

-Has he taken in a large amount of blood from other afflicted families then stopped suddenly? I spoke to Nathan, as if he were a fool. -The more one takes in, the worse the aftereffects will be.

Nathan looked down and frowned. He never told me about aftereffects. But, I don't think - he's... taken in... a small amount of blood, and that was days ago.

-Are you certain?

-Yes.

-Very well. Mara looked around the room. I need something sharp.

-Why? Nathan's eyes narrowed.

-For his blood. It seems neither of us know what ails him. I need to see – I need to see into him.

Nathan opened his mouth as if about to say something, then shook his head and thought better of it. He crossed the room and turned the blinds closed. Here – he handed Mara a small pocket knife – if you hurt him –

-Relax. I never kill with my own hands.

Mara settled on the side of the bed and dragged the knife along Duke's forearm. A short line of blood welled up. She dipped a finger into the blood and smeared it across her lower lip. She took a second dip and dabbed the blood into her eye. She sat perfectly still, both of her hands resting on Duke's arm.

 

~~

 

The history of the man's blood flooded into me. It was potent like nothing I'd ever experienced. Not at once, anyway.

I turned to Nathan, rage in my face and voice. You lied, I hissed with what breath I could manage. They're all here.

Then, said to me, by me, _We're all here._

And indeed we were. Parts of myself I hadn't seen for decades roused, recognizing Troubles we'd half-consciously recognized and solved. The sharpness of the blood's entry faded, and what I'd initially registered as pain became intense, unbearable pleasure. It ebbed, and in a few moments, the feeling was gone, along with my parts.

I had to find William.

-He's taken in many Troubles. More than is possible in a lifetime. I hesitated and looked down at the man, the anomaly. My curiosity would not allow me to feign knowledge. How did this happen?

-I don't know. Can you fix him or not?

-I can, I lied. All the Troubles inside the man were my creations, but I barely remembered most of them, nor how I made them. Without that knowledge, the undoing would be very difficult, if not impossible.

-On one condition. Nathan looked wary, which made me smile. I make him well, and you help me get William back. I know you have what I need. I take half his Troubles today, and the rest when William is beside me. If William is not returned to me in three days time, I will make your friend thirst for Troubled blood like a rabid hound. You will wish that he had died.

-That's a hell of a condition, Nathan said mildly. What makes you think-

-The deal's the deal. Speaking of days– I nodded at the man in the hospital bed. Without my help, he has not even one left. His face expressionless, Nathan looked at the man. I waited. Without looking away, he said, Do it.

I understood. This man was as dear to him as Isobel was to me. I could see it from the moment we entered the room, without any articulation about the nature of their relationship. It almost made me want to heal him completely out of charity – but charity, along with related concepts/words like providence, grace, mercy, righteousness... don't hold much credence in the real world. If His kingdom hasn't come by now, it surely never will.

I cut into the arm again. Deeper, this time. The blood was less overwhelming, now that I expected the rush. I breathed in time with the waves of sensation and took more blood in.

_Maggots proliferating on a cantaloupe. Children with blood on their chins. Blood dripping after a meal in the dark, cool forest. Lightning inside of a ceramics store. A cracked I <3 Dad mug, rolling to settle beside the shopowner's smoking head. A woman giving birth, over and over again. A woman hanging from the driver side window of her car, her eyeballs ruptured._

I remembered some of the family names. I drew those Troubles out, and they slipped away from Duke into me without hesitation.

Now, the less familiar Troubles. They flitted inside him, trying to hide.

_A second orange sun sends a beam into a bedroom window. A man screams, as he pulls out of his daughter, turns to run, and is incinerated. A woman's arm and leg fuse into a tree trunk. Her face is barely visible through the wet red and yellow leaves. A woman gives birth to a baby, then takes it back in. Out of the fireplace scuttles thousands of spiders. A girl's skin combusts, setting her boyfriend in flames, then is skin again._

I pulled back for a moment, then went immediately back in. These Troubles, I didn't remember or understand. I could harness them, if only –

I pulled back again. There was something I was forgetting, or something I was not seeing.

It's alright, just continue, I urged myself. All you need is half.

I went inside Duke again, for what I limited myself to be the last time. I dipped and nudged myself into a fray of them and began to pull at random spots. Recognizable or not, these Troubles all came from me. They were mine, and they would be handled as such. I finally found a good hold – a resurrection Trouble – simple, if not terribly familiar. But it would not come on its own. It was tangled with others and lifted them as I pulled. I reached in deeper for a better hold. Almost there. I dug, and it all came apart like a slip knot.

_I kneel over Nathan's body, tears rolling down my face and staining the shoulder of his shirt. Wait – Nathan is not – yes, he is alive because I am sitting next to him in his truck. I feel no rush to get to our destination. I have to find a way to clear the gym. A sock hop is no place for Carl's trouble to manifest, and if I am right, he will at any moment. Although his eyes show only indifference, Duke's arm slides up without hesitation. The child's hand is warm in mine for the rest of the walk back. I dread the day I would kill him, a broad-chested man with a kind face, doing only what he thinks is right. I lift the diving helmet over my head and it almost goes tumbling down the hill. Breathless, relieved, I smile at Aiden. Just breathe. The coffee was actually not bad. Two minutes in, and this man in the grandpa sweater earns the title of the most confident person I've ever met. "Audrey, I'd do anything you need me to." I kiss Nathan back, our mouths and chins sticky with syrup, me in his shirt and him in nothing. Let there be no Troubles today._

Out of all of this, a voice I longed to hear for centuries. A face I'd longed to see. A face just like mine.

-It's enough, Mara.

Isobel, standing by the window. Mara, my dear, it's alright. Isobel, sitting on the edge of Duke's bed, beside me. You can stop now.

I gaped at her. It was not possible. Magic could do many things, but not this. In all my attempts, never Isobel.

Seeing her was not the joyous occasion I had always imagined it would be. I was overcome by a grief I'd never felt before. My vision blurred with tears.

-I let them take you, I choked out. I'm sorry. I was afraid. I was afraid.

-I know, she said, forbearing my ugliness.

My tears mixed with Duke's blood on the open cut. He was a good man, and in him were generations of punishments of my creation, all of which I now recognized. No one deserved this. No more than Isobel-

I felt it as she wiped tears from my cheek with her thumb. She smiled. You've done it now. Come with me.

I hesitated and turned back to Nathan, a Nathan I knew and loved.

-Nathan, I said as Audrey Parker, and I was Audrey Parker. I claimed that part of myself.

I touched him and he gasped, from my touch, the pressure of clothing against his skin, the weight of his own body distributed on his feet, awareness of the temperate air of the room. I kissed him, with all the love afforded by my time of being Audrey Parker, along with the rest of me. Somehow, knowing these two men made me capable of spontaneously completing what had seemed impossible moments ago.

-Thank you, I whispered. I remember now.

His hands held my face, as he spoke, our noses almost touching. I will never forget you, Parker.

I touched his head and gave him a small gift, for him and Duke. Then, I stepped back and forgave everyone, even myself. As we departed, the room echoed with what Isobel had said just before her death.

-All will be well.

 

~~

 

As Duke wakes, the first thing he senses is a warm, light pressure on his chest.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this after season 4 ended and didn't get around to finishing it until now. Listened to Ready for the World by How to Dress Well (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQHiGUEfDq4) throughout the writing . No lyrical significance.


End file.
